Today was kinda of discouraging day for me personally. My cgl cum zone supervisor spoke to me after the birthday celebration for yongheng. Was feeling quite down during my time in church after service...Vanessa said I look angry...actually was angry with myself. Basically it was about faithfulness. It was not the first time Charmaine spoke to me about this area. Was affected by it and was thinking about it in my mind till I came home and spoke to Charmaine online.
Part of our conversation:
Tat Kwek: can i ask u how can i be more faithful
Charmaine: the bible say 3 things... money, little things, another man's things
and it continue...
Charmaine: the your problem is not jus faithfulness... its not being teachable, cos i have to repeat myself so many times and u still keep repeating the same mistake, wat is faithfulness and being teachable to you?
Tat Kwek: faithfulness to me is being in faithful in everything no matter whether is it a big or small issue teachable to be more open reflect and let the word sink in and not cont to walk in the same old way but change in your ways
Charmaine: so how come what i tell u didnt sink in?
Tat Kwek: for me whatever that you tell me i bear it in mind and try to correct my ways, i try my best to change but than i think the effort that i put in is not there. thats y the change was not there. for me, everytime when u talk to me i always tell myself not to commit the same mistake but than it keep on repeating, at one point now i look back it really just show how much convicted i am by the word and how much of effort i wan to put in to make the change
Charmaine: perhaps u try to change out of fear and not faith, if u change becos u are afraid tt if u make the same mistake u'll be reprimanded by me... then that's out of fear
Tat Kwek: ya i think i was bounded by fear, and tried to change because of fear
Charmaine: watever that's not of faith will not please God... even if u change, the change wont last
During the conversation, my spirit wasn't lifted up. I come to think of it really fear had creep into my life and all the changes that I have is made purely by fear. Made a decision that from now on I wanna change not out of fear but by faith, to prove to my leader, myself and God and not blow up any chances and take Charmaine's grace for granted. I am really thankful that despite all my blunders, all my messing up in things, and not being found faithful, Charmaine continue to stand by me. One thing she said really lifted my spirit up alot "that's becos i believe u can make it... that's why u must not do things in fear but in faith"
Today event really made me think alot. Ever since I made a decision to want to become a cgl the journey towards to fulfill my dream became tough. 2 months ago the first thought of stepping down as a helper enter my mind, than the following week it came again. Thought of wanting to step down after today event...but God seem to remind me to persevre on. Remind me of the pass sermon that were preach before the invisible riches of tenacity. Reminded me that a champion is not someone who never fails but someone who never quits. 2 wrongs do make 1 right. Bible says that "For many are called, but few are choosen"...since God have called me why should I doubt, why should I run away when problems arises. For many are called but few are choosen, let it be that I am both called and choosen and not one who is just called but not choosen because at the last minute I choose to run away from my problem.
Really to all who aspire to be a leader in your own ministry, cg helper, etc persevere till the end. Run the race with endurance. Fight the good fight of faith and not back down when face with problems. For 2 Cor 4 say everything is subject to change so does your probs. Don't doubt your position in Christ...you can make a choice not to live under people's shadow, walk out of it like how I walk out of it.
Hey Van thanks alot...that verse has become a verse where I meditate on with other verses. Thanks for the enouragement! Yeah hopefully one day after the constant moulding and pressure under heat I will emerge a better leader.
Thanks too Sher, always never fail to show concern whenever you heard something about me. Truely a friend indeeed in times of need. At least I know you are one friend I can turn to when I am down. THanks.
Thanks Carol, saw your blog thanks for really showing care and concern. Know that I can always turn to you. Thanks alot. I believe too that every discipleship is too strengthen my foundation to become a much more better leader. Anyway every discipleship to me is a way to build up on my foundation. Because Charmaine care about me thats why she bother to do it, if not she would not even bother too.
So people out there don't resent discipleship...let every word sink into your heart and make the changes!